7.10am reflection

As I lay here in bed, staring at the ceiling fan, I couldn’t help as my thoughts run.. wild. I hate it when this happen, sometimes this mind wander so far off, it’s scary.

I realised that the hurt I have is slowly turning into hate. All the wondering and “what did I not do right or enough” is starting to motivate more hate. It’s like constantly being reminded pushed into the black hole when you are trying to climb back up.

My life wasn’t disrupted. My relationship wasn’t disrupted. I just followed my heart. The only disruption was my physical and mental well-being. I am building a wall as a security defence now. I don’t fully trust or want to open up like that anymore.

I don’t want to hate. Hate is a strong word. Hate is a hateful word. I just want to be happy.

For all the promises to make me happy/happier, where did that go? This is why I don’t want to open up like that anymore. It’s tough with expectations.

I am going to try, starting from within for myself – I’ll be better and happier.